"Nooooo"

So last night after dinner Mary gets pretty cranky and more tired than usual. Come to find out she has a temperature of 101. So Tylenol and a bath was in her future. Usually she is a splashing and playing but of course being sick she sat in there looking sad and pathetic. I dry her off and she laid down on my bed to watch a movie. About 7pm she is out like a light. She is sleeping so soundly I decided to go downstairs and watch some DVR recordings. At 10pm Mary makes an appearance at the top of the stairs. She is mad that I never turned on her movie. She was so tired she didn't even remember I turned it on or that she watched at least 10 minutes of it. So I drag myself upstairs and turn it back on. She seems content and I tell her I will be back in a few minutes when my show is over. About 10:30ish I come back up to my room. She is awake and watching ScoobyDoo, all warm and cozy under my sheets. I sit at my computer to blog and then I hear it....."Mom I don't feel so good." "NOOOOO" I groaned as I turn around just in time to see her throw up on my bed. I ran over and pulled her off the bed and starting pushing her towards the bathroom. While she is sobbing sorry about the bed, I get her to the toilet. I turn back to the bed to go pull off the sheets and I hear the wonderful sound of throw up splashing on the floor. UGHHHH I go back and console her and clean her up. When she is calmed down, I set her on my floor on a blanket and proceeded to clean up the mess. Mom could hear Mary and came to check but my frustration of no oxygen, the cleaning up and the fresh smell of "vomit in the morning" was to much for me to except help. SO this was our night until about 2am when Mary decided there was no more left to bring up from the bowels of her toes. Who would think a 4 year old could produce such foulness. By then Mary was wide awake and discussing life with some cartoon on t.v. I on the other hand tried to drift off into oblivion. About 3:30 am Mary finally got to sleep and was up and at 'em at 6am sharp! She has been running around all day as if last night had not occurred. It is sickening the recuperative powers of a toddler. I will continue to drag butt until shear exhaustion takes me into a dreamless abyss........ How was your night? LOL

"Angry Lungs"

Yesterday was my bronchoscope. It was not the most fun I have had, but I made it through it. My pulse is always high but I was never under 134 beats per minute, usually I am about 105-110. My oxygen levels are dropping as well. They had me on a nasal cannula and my level was staying at 92%. The numbing of my nose and throat was the worst part. Thankfully my 'twilight' meds were awesome. I don't remember anything but the Dr saying "Try not to cough". It wasn't a long procedure. It took about 30 minutes for the actual scoping part. When I came to and they brought in Jimmy, we actually saw pics of my scope being done. The doctor did the lavage (pushed water into my lung and then sucked it out) and retrieved a lot of blood and infected stuff. Apparently it is all hanging out in there having a party. He took some other samples as well. The doctor didn't do any biopsies which Jimmy and I are hoping means no cancer. The doctor did say that I had a really red and swollen lungs. He called them "angry lungs", which I think is hilarious. I pictured Mrs. Potato Head on Toy Story 2, when she tells Mr. Potato Head that she "packed his angry eyes!" He did say that he thinks I have an extremely bad case of Bronchitis that may be bacterial or fungal. They are going to figure out what it is and then decide on a course of action to help get rid of it. As for the lower lobe collapse, he wants to wait on how to fix it until my results come back. The results of some tests will take 4-5 days. The Dr said he would call at the end of this week or the beginning of next week with those results. Some other tests will take up to 6 weeks. I am not sure what tests will come when, I was a little out of it to ask at the time.

He is discouraged that I have been through 6 rounds of antibiotics and 5 steroid bursts since the end of October. I had forgotten I was sick when I got home from NE. So woohoo it adds another month onto this drawn out sickness.(Grand total of 20 weeks I have been sick!) This has to be some kind of record.

So they aren't ruling out anything yet but we are crossing our fingers and praying for a good outcome.

Sunday Night

I didn't post yesterday and almost didn't today. I was pretty tired on Saturday so I just sat around and relaxed! Then this morning I even slept in an hour but took 6....count them.....6 naps! I have a low grade fever.

As some of you know I am still sick from November. I have been battling pnuemonia and a collapsed lung for weeks and weeks now. I finally went to my pulmonologist on Feb 23. He was concerned that my mulitple rounds of antibiotics and steroids were not working. So he decided to send me for a CT scan on Feb 26 to check out how things look in there. Well (with my luck) the doctor called back in less than 24 hours to say the results came back "abnormal". He was called by the radiologist and was going to personally go look at the CT hinself. As he is telling me this I am in shock and terrified at the same time. He tells me he needs more blood work and to come in on Monday (March 2) for my labs. He also scheduled me for a Bronchoscope on March 9 (tomorrow) at 9AM. This is a test were under IV sedation they will stick a tube down my throat into my left lung. This way they can look around with a camera, take some samples and do a biopsy. I won't get into all the grose details (you can look it up online if you like). Anyway I can't even explain all the horrific things that have gone through my mind. I am freaking out that he will look in there and find cancer. I don't want him to find anything else either but definatley not cancer. I just want them to say hey it's still pnuemonia and we have to do some IV meds or something. Or at the most that they will have to fix my lung collapse surgically. I hate the hospital but I could deal with a couple days of it.

Jimmy has been home taking care of me since December. His unit it so great! They have really stood behind him and I. No other unit we have been in would have done this. I am so grateful to have him in my life!

Please say a prayer for me. I so very much in need of them.

Love over the years

Today I was talking with a friend about how love for your spouse changes. I was thinking back on Jimmy and I and our 15 years together (chokes). We have been married 12 years this past February. Wow that seems so hard to believe sometimes. I have been in this relationship for half my life!

Let that just hang there in space for a second.....HALF MY LIFE!

Our relationship started out so great, like most couples. Everything in us was a twitter. Butterflies were flying around in the sky under a perfect rainbow. There was confetti and parades in my heart every time he walked in the door. Love at the beginning is so real and filling. It becomes the food that sustains you. You walk around in a glow knowing that this one person is the center of your universe. The one bright spot in the world that exists for only you. The laughs, hand holding, longing into each others eyes and the like, is more than most people looking in, can digest without feeling a little throw up in the back of their mouths (sorry). The euphoria of being with that on special someone is so addicting.

We did the dating and the engagement and finally the big day. Finally we were man and wife. The funny thing is that no one you know ever tells you that the minute you get married something inside you changes. Now don't get me wrong I am not saying changes for the worse in anyway, but there is a noticeable difference (at least there was for me). I started to see him as more than this wonderfully funny and charming guy. He was my friend before but now no matter what he was my best friend. My partner in crime. My confidant. Sure he was all these things before but now it had intensified! My love for him somehow multiplied just by saying "I do!" Was this possible or just all in my head?

Well a few years goes by and the inevitable "I can't stand you!" kicks in. That I hate everything about you. The way you look, snore, chew, talk, laugh, even breathe. Somehow in the mess of daily life, kids and work, that wonderful guy I was so in love with turned into this annoying person that would not go away. So yes for awhile Jimmy and I did split. Almost 2 years we were separated. Those 2 years stunk! I tried to move past my feelings, move past the draw towards him. It didn't work. We ended back together. I am not saying the year or two following was easy or even at times comfortable but we did it. We made it to the other side. It was one of the most difficult and painful times in my life but it was also the most rewarding! I just couldn't stop and imagine anywhere else I truly should be.

The love that we have now is so much more real and tangible than anything we had before. He is my best friend, ally, and yes accomplice lol. He has my back in every situation. Every moment we have now is cherished and appreciated. We are comfortable finally, but in a good way. We accept each other fully now. I can accept that he can not for the life of him pick up his laundry off the floor. He can accept that I can not put a tool back in it's proper place. These are trivial things but if you get down to it....it is life. IT IS REAL LIFE. Not something you find in the theaters. Not some glamorized relationship in a novel. This is the grit of life. Excepting someone for all their faults while at the same time still loving them. I want the last argument Jimmy and I to have is that he left dirty, stinky socks on the bedroom floor again. Or that he still can't find that hammer.

I guess the point of this whole saga is this. Love the person you are with. Love them with your whole heart. Tell that person how much they mean to you. Make sure you tell them you love them any chance you get....don't wait! The worst thing you can do in a relationship or in life is to waste it by not saying or doing what your heart feels like it should!

P.S.- If you see Jimmy ask him if he picked up his socks.............lol

My first blog......

Well, here I go. Starting a new and exciting future. I am becoming a blogger. Now I have had one or two blog posts on my MySpace page but this is my first official blog spot. I am very excited to start this next chapter of my Internet usage...lol. I am not going to go into the whole this is how my life started thing. Just going to start of this blog saying "Hi." From here on out it will be like your reading a page out of my diary. So be warned!! Enter at your own risk!! My mind can be a scary thing (wooo hahahahaha). Wow, I think I might have scared myself? So in accordance with the law please read the following disclaimer before continuing: I, Julie D****, will not (and could not possibly be expected to) accept responsibility or liability for any views/claims/rumors/or errors that appears here in. The views expressed in this file do not necessarily agree with my own (even though they are my views). I have attempted to present information in a professional and non-sensationalist manner, but as far as the information itself goes, I am obviously at the mercy of my own personal opinion. The information is presented here in good faith, for readers' enjoyment and education. However, I will gladly entertain debate over whether any specific piece of information should or should not be included.